Nobody Told Me It Would Feel Like This
Naming what you’re feeling, and giving yourself permission to stop pretending.
One of the cruelest parts of postpartum is the silence around it. Everyone asks about the baby. Almost nobody asks about you.
And the few people who do ask are usually looking for reassurance — they want to hear that you are fine, that you are happy, that this is everything you dreamed.
But what if it is not? What if you are exhausted in a way that sleep does not fix? What if you love your baby and also feel like a stranger in your own life? What if the fog has not lifted the way you were told it would?
None of that makes you a bad mother. It means you are human. It means you are in the middle of one of the most physically and emotionally demanding experiences a person can go through, and nobody prepared you for this part.
There is a name for what you might be feeling. Baby blues are very common in the early weeks and usually pass within about two weeks. But if what you are feeling has lasted longer than that, if it is getting worse instead of better, or if you feel like you are disappearing, it may be something more, like postpartum depression or anxiety. That is not your fault, and it is not a weakness. It is common, and support is available. A healthcare provider can help you understand what you are experiencing.
The fact that you are struggling does not mean you are failing. It means you are paying attention to something real.
The feelings you are having, the ones you have been afraid to say out loud, they are more common than you think. The rage that comes out of nowhere. The numbness where love is supposed to be. The intrusive thoughts that terrify you. The crying that will not stop, or the inability to cry at all. These are not signs that you are failing as a mother. They are signs that your body and brain are going through something enormous.
What nobody tells you is that becoming a mother is not just about the baby. It is about the complete reorganization of who you are. Your hormones, your identity, your body, your relationships, your sense of self — all of it shifts at once. The term for this is matrescence, and it is as significant as adolescence. But while adolescence gets years of patience and understanding, matrescence gets ‘enjoy every moment.’
This chapter is for the things nobody told you. The parts that are hard to say out loud. The feelings you have been carrying alone.
And the first and most important thing I want you to hear is this: you are not broken. You are becoming.
Some of these might be true for you right now.
- Feeling like you are not bonding the way you expected.
- Emotional numbness, or feeling disconnected.
- Crying more than usual, or for no clear reason.
- Rage or irritability that surprises you.
- Feeling like a failure, or not good enough.
- Missing who you were before.
- Having thoughts that scare you.
- Afraid to tell anyone how you really feel.
These are more common than you think.
If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby, please reach out now. You do not have to handle this moment alone, and help is available right now.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — call 988 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — text 988 National Maternal Mental Health Hotline — 1-833-852-6262 Crisis Text Line — text HOME to 741741Name It Out Loud
When a wave of emotion hits, stop and say one sentence out loud: “I feel ___ right now.” Not to fix it. Not to judge it. Just to name it. Naming an emotion can take a little of its edge off. You do not have to do anything about it. You just have to let it exist.
Some things are better in your own handwriting, where they stay yours.
Three questions to sit with this week. You don’t need to answer them right now.
- What is the hardest part of this season that you have not said out loud to anyone?
- What do you wish someone had told you before the baby came?
- If your best friend came to you feeling exactly the way you feel right now, what would you say to her?
Tell one person — your partner, a friend, your doctor — one true thing about how you are really doing. Not the polished version. The real one.
You are allowed to love your baby and miss your old life at the same time.
— Melissa
That’s enough for now.
You don’t have to do anything with this tonight.